There is something to be said for the increase in lazy Saturday mornings we’ve been seeing over the past year, and they are calling for a stoner breakfast.
I don’t have the stats handy, but I can tell you, since last March my Saturdays have been minimal on obligations. I do have to say, this isn’t an unwelcome trend. I have now become accustomed to waking up on a Saturday, watching some of my favourite TV, eating a great breakfast and enjoying a leisurely few hours of mostly nothing.
The comparison to the feeling of Saturday mornings as a kid is not lost on me. I have no illusions that all Covid has done is make me regress into my childhood, trading Coco Puffs and Johnny Quest for a French omelette and The Mandolorian. Saturday mornings as a kid were a celebration. You’d made it through the week, now it was time to wear your PJs later than normal, bask in massive amounts of sugar, and enjoy several hours of very problematic depictions of cartoon minorities.
After a few months of these fantastic lazy mornings, as an adult, I felt like I needed to improve my experience: what if I could outsource breakfast workload to adult Nic, allowing childhood Nic to get higher earlier and to achieve maximum chill? After a few weeks of trial and error, I developed a mostly foolproof plan.
The game plan:
What we will be doing is creating six simple preparations that when combined provide a delicious and dosed breakfast. When this meal comes together you will end up with avocado toast topped with a poached egg, some bacon, fresh fruit or veggies, and something strange and caffeinated to dip it all in. The best part of this dish is that you can prepare five out of six of the components the night before to ensure your chill morning stays extra chill.
The night before: prepping the stoner breakfast
Ingredients & supplies:
2 avocados (cubed)
½ tomato (cubed)
½ tablespoon cannabis infused olive oil
1 handful cilantro (rough torn)
1 tablespoon lime juice
1 serrano chile (seeded, cored, minced)
1 teaspoon cumin
Salt and pepper to taste
In the bowl put your avocado, tomato, chilies, cilantro, lemon juice, and olive oil and mash it all together with your bare hands to the consistency you want it. I like a less chunky guacamole for this application but follow your bliss.
When finished, cover and reserve in the fridge until serving (squeeze some extra lemon or lime juice on top of the guac to ensure the colour stays vibrant.)
Ingredients & supplies:
1 roasting Pan
1 wire rack
Preheat your oven to 275 degrees F. First, you need to put your racking on top of your roasting pan. Then lay your bacon on the racking so that it is at least an inch above the roasting pan. Then put into the oven. Cook for 15 minutes and then check for doneness. I personally like my bacon with a little fat on it, while my partner likes very crispy bacon, so 15 to 20 minutes is generally enough for me, while 25 minutes will give you a nice crispy bacon.
When finished, remove the bacon and rest on a paper towel to remove any excess fat and ensure the bacon achieves it’s optimal crispness. You can now refrigerate the bacon in the paper towel and in the morning you just need to warm it in a pan. Make sure you reserve the fat for the Red Eye Gravy.
Red eye gravy
Ingredients and Supplies:
½ cup bacon fat
¼ cup maple syrup
¼ cup coffee
1 teaspoon grainy mustard
In a saucepan warm bacon fat until liquid, then add maple syrup, coffee and grainy mustard and heat until boiling while whisking. Remove from heat and store overnight in the fridge. Reheat on stove top until liquid.
Veggies or fruit
Pick something fresh and cut it into smaller pieces in an artful or totally crude way. I chose cucumber and orange peppers because it’s what I had in the fridge and our raspberries looked a little ‘meh’. But again, follow your bliss.
Everything bagel seasoning
1 cup sesame seeds
1 cup poppy seeds
1 tablespoon dried rosemary
1 tablespoon coarse sea salt
1 tablespoon dried onion flakes
1 tablespoon minced dried garlic
In a container add the ingredients together, cover and shake. This should last you a few months unless you put everything on everything.
The day of: building the stoner breakfast
Ingredients & supplies:
Water (enough in your pot to submerge the eggs)
1 tablespoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon white vinegar
1 medium pot
Add water, salt, and vinegar to your pot and heat on medium. What you are looking for in your water is small bubbles beginning to form on the bottom of the pot. I also like to use an instant read thermometer during this process as the heat you’re looking to achieve is about 80 to 85 degrees C. You want to crack your eggs into a small bowl to pour into the pot. Cracking eggs directly into the pot greatly increases the chances of breaking your yolks.
Once at temperature use your spoon to stir the water creating a vortex inside the pot, and carefully pour your eggs into the spinning water. Set a timer for 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Lay out a paper towel on a plate for your finished eggs.
When the timer beeps you can pull your eggs, using a slotted spoon, from the poaching liquid and carefully place them on the paper towel. This should cook the eggs to a nice medium yolk.
Putting it all together
So I lied, you have to make two things for this recipe on Saturday: the second thing is toast, so grab your favorite bread, toast it and try not to fuck it up twice like I did this past weekend.The toast will act as a foundation for the infused guac and egg.
Once you have your bread toasted and your eggs ready to poach you can build your plate. On the toast add a liberal amount of guacamole. Then sprinkle the Everything seasoning over the guacamole. When your eggs are finished top the toast and guacamole with the egg and then add more Everything seasoning. I also like to add a little smoked paprika for colour and a subtle smokey flavour.
In a pan, gently heat your bacon (or eat it cold like me). Plate up the bacon, along with your veggies and fruit, and in a bowl add your heated Red Eye Gravy.
This shouldn’t take you more than 10 minutes of actual work, which means you can now catch up with some of my favorite shows.
Saturday Morning Viewing
New episodes drop Fridays of this bizarre comic book take on grief, reality and classic television. The first episodes of WandaVision throw you right into a mind bending sitcom setting that pays homage to classic television like The Dick Van Dyke Show and The Brady Bunch. At the same time the show builds a science fiction mystery. It may be Disney/Marvel’s biggest departure thus far but it also does what comics do best: take well trodden characters and put them into new contexts and situations.
Desus & Mero (Crave)
I am a child of late night tv, who can no longer stay up late. So I like to catch up on my favorite late night TV on saturday morning. Desus & Mero is by far my favorite late night show. After being literally handed the torch by David Letterman, Desus and Mero have risen from obscure podcast to beloved late night hosts. Their sensibility can run from high brow to childish and their guests range from Barack Obama to Swizz Beatz. If you love hip hop, comedy and illustrious guests I highly recommend it.
MTV’s The Challenge (Crave or MTV.ca)
I hate reality TV unless people are cooking really difficult things in short periods of time. Unless you take a bunch of mentally unstable good looking people, lock them in a house, feed them booze and make them take part in insane physical challenges. After 35 seasons MTV’s The Challenge is one of the most unique, wildly run and utterly watchable things on television.
Imagine King Lear if King Lear was an amalgam of Rupert Murdoch, Conrad Black and Izzy Asper. Brian Cox leads an amazing ensemble cast that brings to life a family and a business that is in constant turmoil. It’s a foulmouthed, psychological work of fiction that does what great TV should do: put a bunch of fantastic characters in a bottle and shake them up. Kieran Culkin, Sarah Snook, Jeremy Strong, Matthew Macfadyen, and J. Smith-Cameron round out this awesome cast.
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Seed. Stem. Stash. Smoke.
Despite the perception of Canada as a cold and snowy landscape, cannabis has been grown outdoors here for generations, long before prohibition was lifted in 2018. In Rock Creek, a small town in British Columbia’s Okanagan region, an area adored for its long, dry summers and endless rows of wineries and fruit orchards, a portion of a sprawling 2,200-acre ranch once dedicated to ginseng and cherries is now filled with rows upon rows of cannabis and hemp.
“My partner and I set a goal to make the best cannabis-infused cookie we could. What we learned very quickly was that our cookie recipe was great, but the process of infusing our butter was damaging its integrity. So we set out to find a way to infuse butter—not for maximum potency—but for the best possible flavour, and to preserve what makes butter magic.”
“Weed infused in various candies, brownies, or cookies generally takes much longer to kick in and there’s inevitably a few moments half-an-hour post-consumption in which I say, out loud: “I’m not sure this thing is working.” Then, like one of Mike Tyson’s fists to the face, the full might of a deceptively delicious baked confection takes hold, and for the next few hours—I’m high. High high. And sometimes, too high.”